Classic Matches, Punches, and a whole lot more
It’s appropriate that this column is debuting a day after one of the most compelling matches in Premier League history. The winners of yesterday’s Manchester derby, my beloved Red Devils, will be a frequent topic here for as long as I have a laptop, a brain, and a space to vent in. Check on all accounts so far!
Before I talk about the footy, let me talk about my favorite topic: myself! This column will present you with a view of the world of football from a self-acclaimed humorist and know-it-all who will open your eyes to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Most of the time anyway. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll think; but most of all, you will skim and cherry pick my thoughts to use them against me in strongly worded emails telling me what a dunce and a hack I am. So, enjoy that! I look forward to the digital jousts to come.
As promised, onto the footy now. The match we witnessed Sunday at Old Trafford is one we will be telling our grandchildren about and passing on to future generations. We will remember it for the drama, the entertainment, and the spectacle.
There were 7 goals, all of which were either go-aheads or equalizers. These goals contributed to the yo-yoing momentum, and built upon each other as the tension mounted and burst during that epic climax on 95 minutes and 27 seconds. There were the juicy subplots of Tevez’s return to Old Trafford and the emergence of the “Noisy Neighbors” from across town who caught the attention of Sir Alex Ferguson’s three-time defending champions. There was an electric atmosphere and intensity that was absolutely gripping.
Michael Owen celebrates his match winner while United old boy Carlos Tevez looks on in despair. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)
We will remember the sheer brilliance of Ryan Giggs, who put in a performance that reminds us why he is an all-time great whose every moment on the pitch should be savored by every person who identifies him or herself as a football fan. Darren Fletcher has been putting in such consistent quality performances in the center of United’s midfield that one can only watch and admire how Ferguson has trumped us all again and his eye for talent should heretofore never be questioned. Michael Owen’s contribution further proves that point and cements his reputation as a poacher extraordinaire. Craig Bellamy’s flashes of footballing brilliance ensured that Shay Given’s blinder in the Man City goal wouldn’t go to waste… until the 96th minute.
Most of all, we’ll remember the mistakes and revere them for how they made the match so special. Manchester City wouldn’t have been able to properly mark a school bus during a set piece. Ji-Sung Park put in the most anonymous performance on a football pitch since whenever the last time Landon Donovan played in Germany was. Rio Ferdinand reminded us why it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch to actually believe he made the boneheaded move of forgetting to take a piss test. And the coup de grace came courtesy of United keeper Ben Foster, who exhibited a lack of judgment to an extent that would have made Kanye West blush. His errors ensured that City hung around long enough to make this match one for the ages.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the most giving nutter in the world, Craig Bellamy. Bellamy is so crazy that Mike Tyson probably says “damn, that guy is crazy!”. In the aftermath of United’s winner, Bellamy approached a fan who had been restrained by stewards after running onto the field… and slapped him! Unprovoked! From the same man who hacked at his own teammate’s leg with a golf club!
I shudder to think of a world in which we didn’t have the amusement that Craig Bellamy brings us. The man needs serious mental help, but his antics are just jaw-droppingly hilarious.
One-Two’s
– Yes, there were seven minutes of added time played at Old Trafford. And yes, every single moment was justified. Go to Football365 to see exactly why.
– Portsmouth are treading very closely to Derby County territory.
– Proof positive, as if we needed more, of the toxic effects of Newcastle: the rebirths of Damien Duff and Michael Owen.
– No, Rafa Benitez. Lucas playing two straight matches in which he’s avoided crapping his pants and achieved mediocrity don’t make him a player good enough to start at Liverpool yet.
– David Beckham put in a performance in a Galaxy shirt that made it look like he cared and tried? Be still, my beating heart!
Could David Beckham finally be playing the role of LA Galaxy hero? (photo: Getty Images)
– I can’t be the only person who thinks its not a coincidence that Euro 2008 was the most entertaining international tournament in a decade, one which England failed to reach. You’ve been warned, South Africa.
– In my initial Soccer Radioactive podcast appearance, I called Bob Bradley the “Ron Zook of national team coaches” for his ineptitude as USA head coach. I would like to retract that statement right now. I clearly forgot who coaches Argentina. Bob, because of your relative mediocrity and stale persona, you’ve been promoted to “Karl Dorrell“.
– What would be the soccer equivalent of the Shawne Merriman-Tila Tequila incident? Would Steven Gerrard have to be arrested for punching a club DJ at 2 am in “self-defense” for refusing to play Phil Collins records after a win at Newcastle for the soccer world to give us something similar?
– Finally, there are special levels of Hell reserved for cretins like The Guardian’s Daniel Taylor, who penned this sack of feces disguised as investigative journalism. It is a clear and blatant attempt to stoke the fires of controversy and secure some TV spots for himself as some sort of “expert authority” on this topic.
Taylor’s lack of consideration for such minor issues as context, balance, and basic statistical analysis is appalling. What happened in every single one of those matches that caused the certain amounts of time to be added? How many goals, substitutions, and injuries were there? In which specific instances was the amount of injury time unjustified? How about the disparities at all the grounds in the league, just to make sure the one at Old Trafford is so stark? Why is three seasons considered a sufficient sample size?
These are only some of the simple, basic questions that Taylor flippantly ignores or refuses to address. His “shocking study” has holes big enough to drive a space shuttle through. Taylor should be ashamed to have committed the journalistic equivalent of taking a dump in a box, wrapping it up and putting a bow on top, and calling it a Christmas present. If the man had any integrity, he would write a retraction and give back the paycheck he “earned” for writing such a poorly done piece.
You can find Michael on Twitter at twitter.com/michaelmhanna or tweet @michaelmhanna. Email him to mmhanna29@gmail.com.
